A Way to Self Compassion

Recently, I completed a training course that at times I found challenging. I am grateful that during this training, a discussion arose around self-compassion. In this discussion I recognised that sometimes, in the pursuit of motivation and success, it can be easy to become swayed by our inner critic.  

It would appear that we can often times convince ourselves that placing pressure on ourselves will make us work harder, achieve more, or avoid failure. How often have you set yourself goals and as helpful as they may have appeared, then placed unnecessary pressure on yourself to achieve these goals. While that critical voice may push us forward for a while, it often does so at the expense of our wellbeing.

I would like to invite you now, to consider your closest friend, or loved one for a moment. Imagine them approaching you with feelings of overwhelm or pressure. You probably wouldn't interrupt them with criticism or point out everything they did wrong. Instead, you'd be curious. You would want to understand what happened. You may ask how they're feeling and what they need. You'd remind them that difficult moments are part of being human. It might be worth considering this question for a moment, if it applies to you : Why do I deserve less compassion than anyone else? 

It's important to remember that self-compassion isn't about making excuses or not achieving our best. It's about recognising that we, too, deserve patience and understanding. In fact, these are often the very qualities that help us become motivated to be successful.

Again, I would like to invite you to just pause for a moment and consider those feelings of genuine care and interest that were probably stirred when thinking about how you would respond to your friend or loved one. Perhaps you might take a moment to consider extending that same interest to yourself. 

A gentle challenge might be that instead of asking yourself, "What's wrong with me?"  you might instead ask yourself, "What am I finding difficult right now?"

And perhaps instead of saying, "I could have done better" you might instead say, " This didn't go as I hoped. What can I learn from it? " 

This shift isn't about forced positive thinking or pretending everything is okay, when perhaps it really isn't. It's about doing our best to replace pressure with curiosity, and curiosity opening up a space to invite self-compassion in.

We know that in mindfulness, curiosity is a great way to begin when inquiring about how we are feeling. It is in these mindful moments that we can allow space to explore on a deeper level what we are feeling, and then welcome in the space for self compassion. Curiosity also creates space for learning, while pressure and self-criticism often creates shame. 

Treating yourself as you would a friend also means recognising your needs. You wouldn't expect a friend to push down or deny their emotions, so is it fair to expect that of yourself?  Rest, time-out and moments of kindness are not signs of weakness—they are ways of caring for the person who has to navigate every challenge in your life:  you.

Perhaps the next time your inner critic begins to speak, pause and ask yourself one question:

"If someone I loved came to me with this problem, what would I say to them?"

Because the relationship you have with yourself is the one you'll carry every day of your life, and it deserves the same care you so freely give to others.

To request a self- compassion guided meditation, please fill in the contact form.

In Gratitude,

Tanya